My Quote
"Captivity was like a dream and freedom was the real experience." I feel that here as a child everything is a dream. Everything is perfect in every way. You have your parents, your friends, your family, and every want you could ever have. You had your legos, your games, your sports, etc. Once we our in the real world everything changes. You are on your own. The person you think that you were isn't. You have to dig into yourself and pull out the person you really are. Its a transformation I am beginning to go through right now. I no longer have the assumption that my parents, classmates and teachers had for me. I know now I have the potential to be whoever I want to be. I just have to dig into myself and find it. It is unsettling and when it gets rough; it is actually terrifying. I can see who I am supposed to be, but yet I cannot be that person. I have to continue traveling down this path, fighting every inch to get to the person I am supposed to be. I can't turn back, because I know that is not the path I'm supposed to take. Yet every step forward is scary and depressing. I am taking a path that no one else can follow me down, it is a terrifying experience. Its like an Alice in Wonderland feeling. I am continually falling down this hole, and the circumstances only allow me to go down the path and no one else. I can't turn around even if I wanted to. I may miss home, my family, and everything important to me, but I can't concern myself with that. I can only concentrate where I am and attempt to find where I am going. We never realize how much our past means to much; how we want to hold on to the people and the things we love. Not until they are gone and you can only take the experiences you have had with them with you. It is almost like a dream when you can't have the ones you love with you on a crazy journey. They are almost like inanimate thoughts. It is my responsibility to keep them alive while I am on this journey. The freedom I have received has came with great responsibilities, but I can't turn around now even if I wanted. Freedom is not free... We have responsibilities with this new found freedom. I have no fallback. If I screw up it falls on my shoulders and no one else.
It is so ironic. We as children dream of being big and doing everything on our own, yet once we receive responsibility we only yearn to be children again with no responsibility. Yet, I don't wish this... I have found that as much as a roller coaster it has been with this crazy freedom, I don't want to be a child again. I hated who I was because I couldn't control how I was perceived. I was only labeled by my status and social life. Now people ask me who I am and want to know. I still don't have a straight answer for them yet, but what I do know is that I am assertive, motivated, persistent, and determined to find my true self. I think that this is a better start than I had last year. I am digging inch by inch to find who I am. I will let you know when I come out on the other side of this hole.
